With a Grateful Heart

I give all the glory to God with a grateful heart...

I approach this holiday season with a grateful heart...

I look back on this year with a grateful heart...

God has brought me so incredibly far and filled my life with blessings beyond belief. I still struggle to accept that I am capable of having good things and that I am deserving of love and support. He meets me in the midst of my confusion and suffering and has shown me more patience, grace, and mercy than I have ever thought possible...even as I doubt Him and even as I feel the urge to run away. He has held on to me and never given up on pursuing me...even as I cry in anger, pain, and sadness with difficulty in understanding, "why me?"

Last Thanksgiving, my mom was on the plane to get me out of an eating disorder residential treatment facility in California, where I had yet again fought the system and refused to embrace recovery. I was utterly hopeless and begging God to take me from the world because it did not feel like I would ever be able to live a fulfilling life. The following months I continued to decline rapidly until I landed in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) in April of this year after a suicide attempt and Anorexia keeping my body from being able to heal itself. Doctors told my mom that I would not survive...BUT GOD. He miraculously saved me...again...and I'm declaring now...never again.

I had never envisioned being able to live in recovery because the eating disorder was all that I had known...but almost dying was a big wakeup call that I needed to make changes to my life. It made me see purpose. It made me see reason. It made me realize that life is so much bigger than me and that my story can be used for good and to bring God glory. It made me recognize the blessed support system He had put around me and the amount of people that love and care for me. So even though the recovery journey is filled with ups and downs and lapses...BUT GOD. He will not give up on me and one day I WILL be fully recovered.

Many different kinds of trauma have impacted me, and, in my heart, I had longed for many years to be free from environments and surroundings that I did not feel safe in... this is what happens when you have grown up in an abusive environment and have had a stalker before. I felt so incredibly hopeless that I could ever go out in public without constant fear and looking over my shoulder. I felt used to the chaos and it was what I expected...to be yelled at, hit, or taken advantage of. Nightmares and flashbacks plagued my sleep and waking...making me feel trapped in an unending cycle...and I never thought that I would ever be capable of moving away...BUT GOD. He moved me out of Texas and to safety in Georgia as of July this year.

For the past 5 years, I have held 12 jobs in a variety of capacities because it has been so incredibly hard for me to stay mentally stable enough to stay in a position long enough without getting sent back into a hospital or a treatment center. And yet I also realized that none of those jobs felt fulfilling and like what I was called to do with my life...that is until The Music Studio of Atlanta pursued me for the past 3 years and I FINALLY accepted to become a music teacher for them, and I have never felt such peace about a decision. I have so much confirmation that this is where I am supposed to be to grow and learn professionally to hopefully own my own music studio one day. So even though I still have my fears that something will set me back or that it might be too much stress for me to handle...BUT GOD. He has a plan, will give me the strength, and will be with me every step of the way.

I still cringe in the kindness. I still struggle. I am still not used to a sense of safety and healing. I know it will all take time...because never have I ever felt such an overwhelming power of God's love than I have in Georgia. He has surrounded me with a blessed church community, with a discipler, with my mom's family, with new friends, with support still from my long-time friends, with a treatment team (dietician, eating disorder therapist, and trauma therapist) that all love the Lord too, others, and maybe even with a special someone. So even in the midst of my discomfort and pain...BUT GOD. He has surrounded me with love.

So as Thanksgiving approaches this year...

I say all this with an especially grateful heart that I am still living

and that I am no longer just surviving...

I'm thriving!

What are you thankful for this year?

Where have you seen God's blessing in your life?