Triggered Anyway

So I have to do a psychological evaluation each year due to my complicated mental illness case, but it still always hits me in the face when they slap a diagnosis on me, because I am a child of God and I'm NOT defined by a diagnosis. But legalistically, yesterday, they went over my results and I've officially been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which I knew was coming...and I hate the stigma surrounding it so it is discouraging, especially since most people don't like to be around people with BPD...but more on that another time! Of course, they also confirmed the diagnoses from last year, and the years before of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Anorexia Nervosa (AN), and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)...and it just so happens that yesterday was also National PTSD Awareness Day. So in honor of that...I hope to share with you my reality of complex PTSD in a poem that I wrote called, "Triggered Anyway." (I should mention that this is not everyone's experience since it is different for everyone, but this is what I personally struggle with when it comes to my diagnosis of PTSD.)

I get triggered anyway.

I try to prepare.

I try to face my fears.

But still end up on the ground...

hallucinating and hyperventilating.

I can't breathe.

I can't see.

I can't feel.

Only that of pain.

I can barely hear.

Only that of screams.

I don't know where I am.

I don't know who I am.

I most certainly don't know who you are.

You're crowding me.

You're suffocating me.

You're scaring me.

I'm afraid of everything.

The fear takes over completely.

I'm shaking.

Curled up so tight and hiding in plain sight.

I only see what's been done to me.

The flashbacks are debilitating.

I feel the pain,

flinching with each sting...

with each beating...

with each molestation...

with each harassment...

I'm remembering.

I try to face my fears.

I try to prepare.

I get triggered anyway.

Someone bumped into me.

It was an accident.

I get triggered anyway.

Someone follows behind me.

Unintentionally.

I get triggered anyway.

Someone tries to hug me.

I push away.

I know they just care,

but I get triggered anyway.

Someone says something that sets me off.

They didn't mean to...

but I get triggered anyway.

I hear sirens, see flashing lights.

It's been years.

But I'm still triggered anyway.

I see old memories.

Countless moments.

And still I'm triggered.

It doesn't matter what they were.

My childhood was a nightmare.

College years, a scare.

No amount of tears can compare.

No amount can heal.

My heart breaks over and over...

each time I hear the screams that tormented, suffocated, and trapped me.

The reminders are constant.

I can't escape.

I try to run away.

It leaves me in more pain.

"You'll never function in society," they say.

The public is my scary place.

Stalked for years...peace is definitely a dream.

I beg God to take the pain.

I beg Him to erase the memories.

I beg Him to release me from my nightmare and insecurities.

But then I hear Him whisper...

I'm with you and I'll never leave...

even in the midst of pain...

even in your worst fears.

Just ask me to be with you.

You may be triggered anyway...

but I'll hold your hand every day.

I'll hold you as you shake.

I'll hold you as you cry.

I'll hold you as you ache.

Your pain is my pain.

PTSD is just a name.

But I am THE name above all names.

And I will always be with you...

even in the floods and rain.

If you struggle with PTSD as well...I may not know your story, but I feel your pain.

We will get through this because we've got a God fighting by our side and holding our hand through the pain.

He'll never leave or forsake us and loves us more than we could ever imagine!

Here's to a whole year of PTSD awareness, not just on its National Day!

Much love to all <3